Parent Coaching Blog

Apr
17

How to Have A Child in Bloom

carrot seedHow to Have a Child in Bloom

The Carrot Seed by Ruth Krauss is one of my favorite books to share with children especially at springtime.

 

   This book is a lesson in faith, hope, patience and care.  The boy in the book has faith that the seeds he has planted will eventually sprout.  Patiently he waits as everyone around him says that the carrot plant will not grow.  He takes care of the plant by giving it warmth from the sun and water to grow,  and eventually it grows!!!

 

When we are in the middle or raising our kids, these “growing years” can seem to go on an on.  If we focus on the people and world around us and what everyone else is telling us, we might begin to feel like our little sprout is just not good enough and that our care and concern just isn’t producing the right results.

 

Here’s the good news… In the end our children WILL grow and make it through these tough stages.  All your hard work, patience, faith, care, warmth, and nourishing will pay off.  Your children and family won’t be perfect but they will grow and bloom from where they are now.

 

So don’t give up…
Focus on the things that the boy in the Carrot Seed focused on:

 

Warmth:  Give your child positive experiences, positive feedback, and hugs and laughter galore.  Give them attention when they need it, and room to grow when they need space.  Be a light in their life that models how to control emotions, take a break when you need it and choose kindness mixed with firmness as a means to all ends.

 

Water:  Nourish your child with a variety of experiences that match their interests and gifts.  Don’t fill in every free moment with activities.   Make sure you add in free time to nourish their soul.  Feed them with friendships that give them what they need socially and family time that sets them up with structure, routines and traditions to last their lifetime.

 

Weed:  Focus on what is not working and weed it out of your family life… is it too much screen time and not enough active play? Then get rid of it for a while and add in more running and jumping.  What are your zero tolerance behaviors that you want to dig up and pull out of your child’s life.  Deal with them one at a time digging deep and really getting to the root of the problem.  Weed out friends who are not supporting your parenting style and get rid of events and activities that don’t match up to your family’s values and plan.

 

You are the planter and they are the seeds…
Take care of them and they will Bloom!

Apr
1

Step Up your Time Out Strategies

time outWhat is your current method for dealing with poor behavior choices?Odds are it involves some form of Time Out.

When we look up what the definition of a time-out is we find this:

Time out is a technique in which a child is removed from activity and forced to sit alone for a few minutes in order to calm down.

Time out is usually a punishment or consequence surrounded by negative emotions, words and actions.  It usually involves isolation for a set time and it is always designed and controlled by the  parent.

If Time out is working,  you will know because your child won’t have to go there all day everyday.  If instead,  you are finding that every 15 minutes you are dragging your child to time out only to have him turn around and do it all again, IT’s NOT WORKING!!!

I really can’t say this enough.

If your current method of dealing with behaviors  is not working, then try something else.!

It has been my experience that Time Out (as described above) works best if we include it as one of the set steps within our CONSEQUENCE CONTINUUM.

TIME OUT cannot be THE BE ALL END ALL of your behavior modification plan.

So what other steps should you have on this consequence continuum?  My theory is that we need our kids to begin to regulate self and this needs to be our main concern.  This means that  they will begin to recognize what is not working for them,  think about choices and get themselves together on their own without us dragging them through the Time Out shenanigans all day everyday.

Here are some quick steps to include in your Consequence Continuum…

1.  Give them CHANCES to get it together before we drag them to Time out.
2.  Help them come up with ALTERNATIVE choices for dealing with their world.
3.  PREVIEW and TEACH the new choices through modeling and reminding.
4.  Give them PRACTICE making better choices  in successful small increments of time
5.  Let them REWIND so they can do it better, say it nicer, or try it another way.
6.  Offer a chance to PAUSE and TAKE a BREAK so that they can calm on their own
7.  Choose ZONES or ACTIVITIES that encourage calming and regrouping.   Try to make the TAKE A BREAK ZONE include choices and a spot that is different than TIME OUT… because Time out has usually been a punishment TAKE a BREAK ZONE has to be more positive.
8.  Allow your child a chance to come out of break when they are ready to rejoin the social scene
9.  If they just can’t get it together, or if they have done something that is off the charts bad then they will have to go to a TIME OUT where they are firmly escorted and they TAKE A LOSS

Having layers or steps in your plan will allow the child to taste the sweet success of self control and regulation more often and avoid the defeat of regular time out punishment.   It allows parents more opportunities to catch their child being good and a chance  to tell their child that they noticed that they are growing in their self control.

Remember  in all these, it is the child who has made a choice to go there by choosing the negative behavior.  This takes the pressure off of the parent and it releases some of the emotion tied to consequences.  You love them you just don’t love the behavior and their behavior has led them to the consequence.   If you choose to make a poor choice over and over again you have chosen to go to TIME OUT.  If you choose to get it together through the PREVIEW, REWIND, or TAKE A BREAK steps then you have chosen to avoid TIME OUT.

Hopefully your child will see this play out consistently from you and they will begin to see that getting it together on their own through the first steps is much easier to deal with than going to TIME OUT all day everyday.