Parent Coaching Blog

Nov
2

All They Need is Love through Power and Attention

There are two things that children are usually looking for when they display inappropriate behaviors…the connected child

Power and Attention

The authors of the book The Connected Child do a wonderful job of describing healing and helpful ways to connect to your children.  They designed the book with adoptive children in mind, but their great ideas can help every parent succeed in giving their child what they need.

When it comes to the Power Hungry Child consider that they use Triangulation to protect themselves. Many times a child who has had a disconnected home life has seen that triangulating or tag teaming against someone is one way to gain control in their mixed up life. The author of The Connected Child just calls on parents to see this as normal and as a means of self protection. The child isn’t doing this because they are mean or nasty.  They are doing this because they are trying to feel safe, secure and in control. Reinforce how you their number one cheerleader and that you are on your child’s team and love them NO MATTER WHAT. Reinforce that you want the best for them so they don’t have to draw sides to gain that feeling of security. Being consistent is the one way you can show that you continually are in their corner and that they can count on you. Even if they don’t like the outcome or consequence, they know you will always follow through and that makes them feel safe. Children are begging for that kind of order and consistency.

When it comes to the Attention seeking Child consider the idea of Matching them.
So many times parents try to connect with kids but do it in adult ways that don’t match up or coordinate with the playful nature of the child. Parents who really connect with kids are the ones who get down on the floor with their kids, mirror how they are sitting, follow their lead in the play, restate what the child is talking about, and simply connect through matching the tone or voice level and demeanor of the child. This kind of connecting is non-threatening and playful and eases parents into deeper synchronicity with their child. The child in turn feels that you are not there to critique, boss, or control but instead you are there to simply look them in the eye, listen to them and be truly present in the play.

If you feel like you have a disconnected relationship with your child check out this book. It was written for families who are going through adoption but the ideas can help all parents make solid relationships with their children.

The Connected Child by Purvis, Cross, and Sunshine

We love it!! One of our NKY coaches Rachel Caswell is in the process of adopting a child and she recommended this book to me.  Connect to Rachel rachel@childinbloom.com if you feel like you need the support of someone who understands the process of adopting a child and the fine tune parenting you sometimes need to work through.

Mar
3

One Kind Word Can Warm Three Winter Months

bb87d432-e783-42c7-bfc3-80076f5f6eed-3It’s  freezing outside and we are all having dreams of summer days spent poolside.

What if we could warm up these chilly days by saying or doing something kind and teaching our children that one small good choice can melt someone’s heart.

If you’ve attended one of my group presentations, then you have probably heard me talk about “pennies in my pocket”.

One of my former teaching positions was a pretty rough setting where I felt like all day long I was saying… Stop that! You can’t do that! Quit it! Enough! I was so busy policing the bad choices that I didn’t even recognize all the good things that were already happening in the classroom. My classroom aide in this setting was very wise and helped me to see that if I rewired my focus and put more of my energy into noticing the good choices I may change the whole classroom dynamic.

I decided I needed some help in this venture so I made up a system to train my brain to focus more on the positives. I would put 10 pennies in my pocket and every time I noticed a positive behavior (even the smallest bit of progress and believe me this was not an easy task), I would shift a penny to my other pocket. I had to move all ten pennies in one hour and this practice really forced me to change my approach. I was forced to find good stuff happening and overlook some of the negative behaviors in the process. I did this regularly for a month and soon my brain had a new habit. It began to focus first on what was good about my situation and then zero in on what needed fixing.

Not only was this new approach changing me, the kind words and positive feedback started to rewire my students’ brains too. Many of my students had been stuck in a negative storyline where they were the central character. They acted out the expected behavior which was getting them into tons of trouble. Bad choice making was their story and they were sticking to it…

Here’s how the the story would go…
They would act up,
I would call it out,
They would assume this is who they are (the bad kid who acted up) and then of course they would fulfill that role in the classroom one more time
I would call them out again
The cycle would continue.
This was who they were and who they had always been so they were staying “in character”. When I started to notice positive bits of progress instead of all the bad stuff, they suddenly had a new storyline. They were getting attention for sitting quietly instead of constantly getting my attention for calling out. They began to work to catch my attention in new and positive ways and the whole class dynamic began to shift.

One kind word or positive affirmation changed their whole day…. It warmed our classroom and we began to settle into a whole new dynamic. Try catching your child when they are “doing it right”. I know throughout their day there has to be a few times when they are making good choices… So notice these moments more than you notice the bad and maybe you will warm up your whole house!

By the way… you can pass this positive focus onto your kids too and have them start to point out what their siblings are doing right… We call it “tootling” at our house when we tootle instead of tattle and toot our brother or sister’s horn!

Dec
24

A Constant Mess…

A friend of ours is a writer.  He is doing a piece on Love and asked Toby and I to contribute our own perspectives on: What is Love?  Getting this question posed to us at this season of Christmas has been a true blessing because it has allowed us to see the connections between the love we have as parents and the love shown by God at Christmas.  So here goes my shot at the question… summing it up in two main truths.

LOVE IS… Saying Yes to the Mess

Do you remember the Velveteen Rabbit?  When the worn and torn up plush bunny realizes that being loved means being a little shabby.  Well, in the story of Christmas, God shows up with Love in Hand the shabbiest of places.  He chooses a simple young girl to be his vessel to house His Saving Son.  This child arrives into a sticky and messy situation with a confused husband-to-be and questions all around.  And of course that manger scene… It couldn’t be more messy.   All these things were God’s version of true love.  It was one giant mess of a situation, but Mary said YES to it.   I wonder sometimes: How did she do it? She must have turned her focus on the little bundle of LOVE that sat right smack dab in the middle of it in order to get through.  She did not focus on the dirt and the crowded stable, she had to focus on what mattered most and that was the LOVE and her faith in God’s support along the way.

Raising children is a messy business.  Sticky table tops, crunched up pieces of cookie on the floor of your car.  Just think about what your Christmas morning living room will look like… not to mention all the messy sibling squabbles you are going to have to deal with over the next few weeks of break and what about all the sick kids at your house…

OH THE MESS!!!

But here’s the deal:  You’ve said YES to all this.  You’ve made the choice to enter into the messiest of lives and if you can do it with joy and peace and understanding it can be the greatest version of love.  Hang tight through the mess letting it go a little.   Try focussing on the love that sits right smack dab in the middle of it… and keep in mind they are growing and learning and need your support along the way.

LOVE IS …  A Constant that cannot be undone

Just like the Veleteen Rabbit learned once your real you will always be real.  Once Love shows up it does not shift or change.  God again shows us this through Christmas.  There is no give and take of HIS love… it is all give and we continue to be the recipient of this love year after year  no matter what… NO MATTER WHAT!   That little phrase means so much and helps to show LOVE in that steady constant stream that does not ebb or flow with negative or positive emotion but stays the course and never ends.  

This kind of love is the same we have for our own children.  Yes of course there are behaviors and situations surrounding our children that we cannot stand but the LOVE part… it stays steady.  You cannot change it.  It isn’t an emotion that runs high or low depending on the moment.  It is long living, never changing and just there… NO MATTER WHAT.  Knowing this helps us keep our emotions at bay and helps us to deal more matter of factly with the ups and downs that come our way.

So that’s it…Love is a Constant and Love is a Mess…

You might be saying… “Love is a Constant Mess”.

I say, “I’ll take it!”

Although things will shift from toddlers with sticky fingers to teen-agers with sticky situations the mess goes on.   I will keep steady keeping my emotions in check and knowing that I love them no matter what  just as God has shown me His LOVE through the gifts of Christmas that go on and on.

Through my family’s growing years, my house will not be perfectly clean, my bank account will not be overflowing, and my nights will be a little more sleepless.   These things shall pass and I will survive.   But the steady stream of LOVE and LEARNING that we pass on to our children will go on and on reaching into the far depths of our family’s future.

Know that Child in Bloom is constantly here to help you as you work through your family’s growing years.  Don’t go it alone… contact Child in Bloom to get the support you need and make the most of your mess 🙂

 

 

Oct
8

Give your family some legs to stand upon…

If you read my Mealtimes Matter passage from my August Newsletter, then you know how important I think it is for families to gather around a table whether it be for breakfast, lunch or dinner.

Call it my soapbox, but I have a few more ideas on how we solidify our families. These essential things can both enrich a family’s mealtime and can strengthen your family in general. When a family comes to me for guidance on their parenting issues we can usually find that one of these essentials is missing from their family life and without it they’re feeling a little wobbly (like a table with only three legs). Having all four of these essentials present in your family life can fill in the gaps of your parenting and give it a solid base to stand upon.

Faith time: Coming together in faith conversations and experiences can support parents by helping them to answer the big questions… Who do we need to model? What do we need to avoid? Why does it matter? How can I survive all this? Faith can help parents come up with boundaries, routines and priorities and can be an excellent starting point when coming up with your essential family rules and procedures. It can be a rock to stand on or a shoulder to cry on when parents are feeling alone, confused, or overwhelmed. Find moments within your week to connect your child to your faith. Share your experiences, add to your own knowledge of your faith by reading and learning about your faith, and then begin weaving it into the fabric of your family life.
Playtime: Coming together to be silly, joyful, and playful gives us a chance to  breakdown the walls that too many boundaries can harbor and allows us a chance to think or act like a child. By playing with our children (I mean really playing not just going to their sporting events), we get a moment to see things from their perspective. You will see that there are so many skills to teach them embedded right into these tiniest moments of fun. Playtime offers us a chance to foster sportsmanship (how to win and lose with grace). It also gives us an opportunity to help our children learn how to wait, take turns, problem solve and plan. Self esteem and taking risks are a part of playtime and creative juices are always overflowing when we step into the realm of play. So get down and dirty with your kids: dress up, act out, roll around and get your sillies out. You’ll see your family bloom from these spontaneous positive playtime experiences.
Book and Learning Time: Coming together to share stories and information gives us teachable moments and conversations that help children understand their world. I don’t mean doing flashcards at the pool in the middle of the summer (all work an no play makes Johnny and Mommy very dull). I mean cuddling up in a soft chair and delving into a great book, or what about, using the characters in a story as models or examples of how to get along in their world.  Let their worries from the day release as they share how the story reminds them of their own experiences and help them to see a fresh perspective when they read or learn about people who are different from them. Sharing books provides a golden opportunity for parents to connect with their kids on many levels… In your busy day don’t let sharing a good book or teachable moments go away.
Rest or Down Time: Coming Together to sit and do nothing or taking time apart to veg-out without a plan can be a very rare occasion in this hustle and bustle world of GO…GO…GO… It’s so easy to flip the calendar and find it suddenly filled from Sunday to Saturday with extra activities and scheduled places to be. In fact, it seems we do these calendar catastrophes to ourselves so we don’t have to hear the dreaded, “I’m bored!!” We think: “ I have to fill up their days with activities so they don’t have a minute to get themselves in trouble.” But being bored can enrich your child’s imagination, bring their stress levels down to a healthy state of mind, and allow time for them to express creative ideas and problem solving strategies. Plug down time into your schedule… Help your child get healthy amounts of sleep and don’t forget to include enough rest and down time into your own schedule so you can consistently be at your best.

Is one of these essential things missing from your parenting plan? How can you add it in?   Weed out your calendar so it’s nearly blank.  Then fill it back up with the essential things that matter most: Mealtimes, Faith Times, Books and Learning time, Playtime and Down time… Put everything else on the calendar as secondary concerns, and I think you will see your family begin to bloom.

Sep
3

Meal Times Matter

Although dinner time at our house may not always run smoothly, it serves as the number one factor that ensures our family’s success. 

Studies show that children who sit down with their family regularly ( for breakfast, lunch, or dinner) are more likely to do well in school, attain their goals, and succeed socially.  This is because the family meal time provides routine, consistency and connection.  The rules and expectations of family life are practiced at this table.  Sharing and caring about each others’ lives takes place here, and it’s also a place to practice socially correct behaviors while trying new things in the company of those who love you no matter what.              

 If we have meals together regularly, we have better odds at having children who succeed.   Even if  the only time we can connect  is during a late night snack or over cereal and milk before the bus comes, make it count, sit down with your kids and pause a bit.   

The world is telling us that sports ,activities, and work matter , but I think we know what really matters. 

 Making connections with our kids THAT’S what matters most.  

Helping them connect the dots of their world is what these connections can do and what better place to do this than around your dinner table.  Make mealtimes matter ,carve out moments around the table breaking bread and uniting as a family.  If you do this regularly you will see your family BLOOM.

If you agree that meal time matters, or if you simply want to find out more about what research says regarding regular family meals,  check out one of my favorite reads:

The Surprising Power of Family Meals by Miriam Weinstein

Sep
3

Win Win situation

We expect our kids to be big kids yet we end up doing everything for them.

By letting your kids have more chances to do things for themselves and do these things with success we can hand over more power and control to them which is all they really want.

Simple things like carrying their own dish to clear the table, holding their own backpack into school, or making their own bed can be first steps to independence for them and freedom for you.

Doing these things on their own without expecting them to be perfect at them allows them to feel like they are contributing and growing in self help skills.

It’s the low expectations on performance that is key for parents to wrap their head around.  We cannot expect our kids to know how to do these things well on the first try.  So give them baby steps to success and repetition with the practice so they feel repeated success before you send them on to the next level of expectation.

For example:  Make your bed can start out by fluffing your pillow and lining them up.  Then once they master this and do it automatically without a cue, add in one more step like, pulling up your first layer or sheet.  Teach them next how to pull it up while flattening out and let them practice these first two steps for a while before mastering the next steps of making the bed.  Always add in one new skill at a time while layering the mastered skills on top of each other.  What I mean by this is if they have mastered how to flatten out the sheet then when they get to the point where they can pull up two or three layers they will have also mastered how to flatten out each of those layers.
These little achievements build their confidence and allow for the control they are searching for. They call for mini moments of praise and the only reward needed is the feeling of accomplishment and contribution to the family system.
It’s a win win situation… We do less. They do more… and everyone is a little happier.

Jun
16

Happy Father’s Day

Here are few things my husband Toby has taught my children and the best part is he has taught them these things not through long drawn out conversations or dissertations but through his example…

He’s taught them…
…How to be a supportive son as he calls on his own parents and loves them unconditionally.

… How to be a great big brother as he continues to positively connect with his own little sister

…. How to be a loyal friend who takes life seriously when he’s suppose to and adds a dose of laughter and humor to all situations

… How to be a loving,devoted, and prayerful husband who recognizes we are walking through our marriage hand in hand with each other and alongside a greater power

For all these things his parenting has given great gifts to our kids.

Happy Fathers Day from Child in Bloom…Photo: Here are few things my husband Toby has taught my children and the best part is he has taught them these things not through long drawn out conversations or dissertations but through his example...</p><br />
<p>He's taught them...<br /><br />
...How to be a supportive son as he calls on his own parents and loves them unconditionally.</p><br />
<p>... How to be a great big brother as he continues to positively connect with his own little sister</p><br />
<p>.... How to be a loyal friend who takes life seriously when he's suppose to and adds a dose of laughter and humor to all situations</p><br />
<p>... How to be a loving,devoted, and prayerful husband who recognizes we are walking through our marriage hand in hand with each other and alongside a greater power</p><br />
<p>For all these things his parenting has given great gifts to our kids.  </p><br />
<p>Happy Fathers Day from Child in Bloom...

Mar
15

Play it Safe

Your number one house rule should be “We are Safe”. This is the one way to make sure that no one gets hurt or humiliated. This means that adults will not hurt or humiliate a child and children will follow suit. It also means that they will make choices that are safe.

Of course being safe means being in control of our bodies, our words, and our choices. Parents get to be the guardians of what is safe and unsafe and they have to stick to this number one rule as they practice a zero tolerance approach to dangerous play, unsafe decisions or harmful behavior.

Think about the things around your house and the routines in your daily schedule as you decide upon safety standards that will support this number one rule.

Use key words to show you mean what you say…” Danger!” is a great quick phrase that can let even the littlest child know that they are nearing an unsafe zone. Change the tone of your voice when you say this phrase so they can tell you mean it. Get down on their level and point to the danger item as you redirect them to another safer choice. Give them an alternate behavior to take the place of the dangerous choice.
Here is an example of what you might say…”No jumping on the couch. Danger! We can sit or lay on the couch, but we cannot jump on the couch. If we want to jump we can jump on the pile of pillows on the floor. ” Here is how we could say this same statement to an even younger child in a more clear and succinct way, “Danger! No Jump on Couch. No No. We can sit. We can lay. But no Jump. Jump on Pillows. Yes Yes. “

Practice makes perfect, so you might have to demo or role play how to play and be safe. Tell them the story of what could happen if they were unsafe. Talk to your child outside of the moment about these things because having an in depth conversation in the heat of the activity will most likely be unsuccessful.

Jan
26

Don’t Go “Chicken Little” On Us

Some say we’re raising our children in The Age of Information, and who can argue with this?  If we need  any insights to support our parenting, it’s literally at our fingertips within seconds. 

Like an acorn falling from the tree of knowledge tree, all this information can be a blessing and a curse.

Maybe a better name for this generation of parenting would be…The Age of Information Anxiety   

As moms of the new millenium, we have so much to worry about: car seats, flu shots, preschool sign-ups, IQ testing, brand names, bullying, peer pressure, screen time, perfect party planning, and more. 

A quick web search on topics like these (below) could send our heads spinning and cause any mom to “Go Chicken Little”…

 

The effects of high fructose corn syrup on children…    “Help! The sky is falling; the sky is falling!!!… I just read that I may doom my child to obesity because I allowed him to put ketchup on his broccoli to get him to eat it.  What should I do???? Skip the broccoli or risk obesity???”

How to properly perform time out procedures with toddlers…Help! The sky is falling; the sky is falling… I can’t get timeout to work for my child… There must be something wrong with me because it’s not changing my child’s behavior.”

Is it ever okay to take away a child’s “lovie”?… Help! the sky is falling; the sky is falling… Yesterday I took away my 4 year old’s favorite bear because he’s been hitting his baby brother over the head with it… Did I wreck his self esteem forever?”

Reasons we should avoid too much screen time… “Help! The sky is falling; the sky is falling… I’ve been letting my youngest child watch tv while I cook dinner EVERY NIGHT, and I just read that too much tv can cause ADHD…. AHHH”

Best bets for three year old birthday bashes …”Help! The sky is falling; the sky is falling… I saw the cutest ideas on Pintrest for a three year old birthday party, but the prize baggies have to be sewn, and the cake has to be made from scratch.

 If you start searching, there are thousands of opinions all claiming to have each parenting topic perfectly mastered. 

 Don’t be fooled so easily… YOU are the only one true expert on your parenting situation.

  You know exactly what you can handle and what will and will not work in your home.  So, don’t let the internet become your Foxy Loxy.  It will only add to the fear and anxiety and cloud your natural instincts.  

Leave the worrying to Chicken Little,  and reflect on the questions below to help you figure out what matters most to you.  Once you have done some inner reflection, your little acorn (or family) will grow into the great big oak tree it was meant to be. 

What routine parts of the day cause trouble for your kids?

Are my husband and I on the same page with our methods of parenting?

If not, how can we meet in the middle?

What is one new response that is doable for my family?

What are the things that are most important to me and my spouse?

How can I avoid getting sucked into worries about how my parenting compares to the rest of the world?

 How can I remember to catch my children being good?

How can I encourage my child to be independent and self regulated?

What are the real safety concerns I need to be aware of for my child’s age level?

 Can we live moderately as a family and stay afloat in this sea of information?

 

Nov
28

Teach your child to take a look at themselves…

How do we help a child own up to their behavior choices and begin to make a change?

The following  methods encourage a child to be in charge of their good choice making…

Tell them the expectations upfront so they know what they are working towards.

Give them a chance to rewind when they’ve made a poor choice.

Give them a chance to take a break when they’ve made a poor choice and before entering back into the social scene.

Have them look around and recognize what other good choice makers are doing.

The above mentioned skills help children  learn how to start good choice making and stop bad choice making.   Here is one more key skill  that can help a child begin to self regulate and make the shift from negative to positive choices.

Allow your child a chance to look at their progress.

 

Choose one behavior you want your child to focus on and zero in on it.

For example if you want them to practice taking turns while they play on the playground,

you could remind them about this skill before you get to the playground and ask them to pay attention to how they are doing while they are playing.  Then at the end of the playtime, ask them to tell you how they did.  You could try to catch them being good so that you can help them remember their good choices later when they self reflect. 

They could do this self assessment through:

     A simple conversation between parent and child where they tell you what went well and what did not go so well

     A  “picture story telling” where they draw the things that went well and the things that did not go so well.

     A “fill in the blank story telling” where you give them two prompts

           “I took turns when I…” 

           “I did not take turns when I…” 

           “My friend took turns when she…”

           “I felt ___________when my friend did not take turns.”

This could be a drawing or writing exercise that you help them with or they do on their own depending on their age.

       A  simple smiley face chart where they color in how they did and how they felt.

      A sticker chart or some other kind of reward chart where they evaluate their progress.

Of course their perspective could be different than what really happened… This is very normal for early childhood development.  They see their world differently and might need us to be specific about the good and bad choices that we saw them making.  This skill takes practice for your and your child so try it more than one time before you give up. 

 Make self reflection a part of your daily time together and encourage your child to reflect on their own progress as they start to own up to their behavior choices.