The Stop and Go Behavior List: What are the Stop Behaviors that you would like to see go BYE BYE? What are the replacement behavior options that you need to train (teach, model and practice)?
The Leverage List: What are the positive things that your child wants that you could use as leverage for good choice making? What are the things they love and already have that you could take away if needed? These “things” don’t need to be things at all… They can be simply adding in an extra five minutes on the iPad, a special trip to the library with mom, a walk around the block with dad…. Whatever makes your child soar… Let’s work towards it! Or If you feel like your child has so much already, let’s start working towards earning these things instead of just handing them over without good choice making. This list will be fluid and ever changing as your child’s interests and development ebbs and flows. So add to it whenever you see a window of leverage, and make sure you run to it when you need to secure a solid and meaningful consequence.
The Calming List: What are the things that help your child calm themselves? If you have a list of these, look at it and use it to help them calm down when they need to PAUSE. Each child in your home will have different things that work, so your list should be specific to the child. You can also post images and/or words to have the options readily available for your child when they need to choose how they will calm down. This list can be ever changing too, so keep adding to it as you see your child new methods to regulate their emotions. If there is something that really works to help calm them, make sure to purposely plug these calming strategies into their day. If you are like most parents you might want to think of a list of things to help you calm when you are upset.
The Elephant List: When your child wants to do something right now, but it just isn’t the time or place to do it, use your elephant list to write it down and help your remember. The Elephant list helps you remember what you promised. The list becomes your reminder and your child will feel safe knowing that although the answer is NO now it might be YES later. Good News: your child will feel like they are being heard… Bad News: you actually have to play that 100th game of Candyland sometime in the near future.
These are some of the best tips and actions plans we have used to support families with children who are picky eaters, fussing at the table, or simply making mealtimes miserable…
1. Give Kids the Power they are “Craving” through choice and voice and purpose
Choice:Offer more than one vegetable. Offer two options on the number of bites
Voice:Listen to their opinions and work w/ them outside the moment to problem solve it
Purpose: Give kids jobs around the kitchen… “The pastry chef” “The salad master”
2. Change it up
Eat in different space (move to the fancy dining room or outside)
If your kids are squirming all over their seat why not try a new kind of seat
Add a special treat to dinnertime like candlelight or music or conversation cards
3. Do Something Different with Dessert
Put it on their plate as part of the meal & let them choose to eat it 1st if they like
Put it on a fancy serving tray in the middle of the table (even if it is just fruit or oreos)
Save it for a special treat after so many days of good meal manners
Get rid of it all together and just add it in as a special surprise for good choices
4. TEACH MODEL PRACTICE (TMP)
Draw out or video tape a plan for how you want dinner to be… allow the kids to help with this
Read and watch what to do and what not to do at the table
TMP specifically about how many bites are expected, what kinds of food choices
TMP specifically about how we speak to parents and siblings at the table
TMP how to listen and not interrupt
TMP what the consequences of poor choices will be and follow through
5. Have Rules and Cues for eating posted…these become the bad guy
Use the pictures to point so you don’t have to use words…
Point to the rules (no interrupting) when they try to step into conversation
Point to the number one when they are taking their first bite, 2 for second…
Point to the dinner rules before getting started…
6. Be happy with the smallest “bit” of progress when it comes to sensitive “buds”
Maybe they will move from yuck!!! to smelling the new food
Maybe they will progress from smelling to licking the new food
Maybe they will progress from licking to sucking on the new food
Then… biting it and chewing it and swallowing it…
7. Allow little guys to alternate back and forth between eating and fun…
First Take a bite then color on your picture page
First Take a bite then tell me a story from kindergarten
First Take a bite then we will read a short poem…
Whatever works… at least they are eating!
8. Keep it consistent…
We drink Milk at dinnertime
We have three bites for three year olds
We try everything…
We do not hurt the cook’s feelings with nasty words
9. Think about set up…
Provide Healthy Appetizers so you have another chance to get in the good stuff
Provide more choice by offering taco bars, potato bars, pasta bars and more
Get them involved in the set up so they get excited about the choices
10. Be flexible with where and when they make their healthy choices…
Could we add more healthy snacks into their lunch box?
Could we sneak it into their smoothies after school?
Could we offer it as a power snack in the middle of playing super heroes?
How can some people have kids that are so well behaved?
What is it that makes it look so easy for them?
After four years of working with more than 250 families, I think I finally have some insight into what makes this game of parenting work successfully.
Just like the real lottery, YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO PLAY TO WIN
-you need to show up
-you need to be the author of the rules of the home
-you need to follow through every single time
1. Literally you have play: I call this CONNECT CONNECT before you CORRECT… Connect to your child by listening to them, hearing how they want you to engage with them. Then think like a child and get playful and silly. When you have invested play time with your child it is like “money in the bank” for you. The energy and engagement allows you to build a relationship of trust and genuine connection. Then when it is time to correct you can more successfully play your “authority card” and follow through on your expectations with success.
2. You can’t play the game of parenting without a clear understanding of the rules: Kids don’t show up with a rule book and believe me they will never make a list of the house rules on their own. They need YOU to do this and if your child is misbehaving odds are his behaviors are trying to tell you to step it up and gather control. It is super scary for a child to feel like they rule the roost. They need you to play the role of parent and show your authority by designing a system of HOUSE RULES.
3. You have to mean what you say and follow through… If you said you will not tolerate certain STOP behaviors and that there are consequences to those behaviors, you better follow through on what you said. You have to be present and aware to catch those STOP behaviors and that means nipping them as soon as you see them …every single time. This way the child knows you are present, aware and you mean business.
The most successful parents I know have these three things:
1. A Balance of Connection (Play) time and Correction time
2. House Rules are identified and expectations and consequences are set
3. Follow through on the expectations and consequences every single time
Having a Happy and Healthy Parent Child Relationship is worth all the money in the world… So work on it to make it happen!!
When you look through your child’s Holiday Wish List, do you see mostly technology toys?
itunes gift cards
Adding in more technology may end up subtracting more from your family time. Don’t let technology rob your family of crucial teachable, positive growth moments that involve people to people connections?
KEEP THESE THINGS IN MIND
Parents Need to Model Moderate Tech Time
Avoid being on your smart phone constantly. This includes: texting and constantly connecting to social media (Facebook or instagram) and looking things up when your child is around.
Avoid being on your phone at transition times within your day (for example: at pick up or drop off from school, dinner time or bed time)
Just be present. BE THERE with your child… eye to eye, ready to hear them and connect to what they need from you. Give them the attention they crave so they don’t seek attention in negative or inappropriate ways… this goes for ALL KIDS ALL AGES (especially teens… They STILL need you)
Compartmentalize your time on tech and put a solid boundary on when you yourself are on it. Let no email, phone ringtone or text beep interrupt your conversations with your child. It can wait!! This is crucial to modeling that technology is not allowed to rule the house and that parents won’t choose tech over personal relationships!
Fill Your Home and Their Life with “Anti-Tech” Options... so they are less likely to rely on technology to entertain their brain.
Are you stuck on what to buy beyond tech? Take your child to the gift shops at local museums (Cincinnati Museum Center, Art Museum, Cincinnati Nature Center) and see all the really cool toys, books and gifts they have to offer. Take note of the things that your child is interested in make sure these things fill the space under the tree on Christmas morning.
Follow their tech lead... If they love to play doll dress up games on their iPad then buy them a real life doll with lots of real life buttons and snaps and crazy outfits to keep their little hands busy and their minds creating. If they like games like Mind Craft then buy them architecture sets or real life mini tools to build things… Kids brains cannot truly bloom on tech experiences. To really grow in knowledge and skills they have to touch, feel, and move their bodies while they learn.
Limit tech time in general by limiting tech experiences when you are out and about… Children DO NOT need to be watching tv everytime they sit their tush in their car seat. They SHOULD NOT be playing on your phone every time you sit down to dinner at a restaurant. Going through the grocery store SHOULD NOT be a “total tech” experience for your child as they get sucked into games on your phone. We should use these mini parts of their day as opportunities to teach patience, creative play, and engagement with their world and the people in their family. Save tech time for a small portion of your day not as the GO TO option in all situations. If you have never tried taking your child out and about without the phone to keep them busy this will be very tough at first, but hang in there as you and your child get more practice you will begin to see them grow.
Monitor your Child’s Tech Experiences
Parents need to be consistently checking in on their tweens and teens as they open themselves up to more texting and social media.
It is not an invasion of privacy to read through your child’s phone and get a heads up on what the chatter is about… look for signs of cyber bullying, inappropriate language (from your child or their friends) and apps that encourage connections with strangers and inappropriate content.
Don’t freak out or harp on what you find just slip the things you want them to know into your next teachable moment or crucial conversation. We want to build open conversations with our kids about the realities of the tech world they live in. It is here to stay and it is our job to teach them the boundaries around it.
Find out as much as you can about the new apps that are coming out daily… use websites like www.awiredfamily.org or www.aplatformforgood.org or The Big Disconnect
If you are worried that your child is spending too much time on tech they most likely are. Think real life first and use tech as a LAST RESORT!!!
There are two things that children are usually looking for when they display inappropriate behaviors…
Power and Attention
The authors of the book The Connected Child do a wonderful job of describing healing and helpful ways to connect to your children. They designed the book with adoptive children in mind, but their great ideas can help every parent succeed in giving their child what they need.
When it comes to the Power Hungry Child consider that they use Triangulation to protect themselves. Many times a child who has had a disconnected home life has seen that triangulating or tag teaming against someone is one way to gain control in their mixed up life. The author of The Connected Child just calls on parents to see this as normal and as a means of self protection. The child isn’t doing this because they are mean or nasty. They are doing this because they are trying to feel safe, secure and in control. Reinforce how you their number one cheerleader and that you are on your child’s team and love them NO MATTER WHAT. Reinforce that you want the best for them so they don’t have to draw sides to gain that feeling of security. Being consistent is the one way you can show that you continually are in their corner and that they can count on you. Even if they don’t like the outcome or consequence, they know you will always follow through and that makes them feel safe. Children are begging for that kind of order and consistency.
When it comes to the Attention seeking Child consider the idea of Matching them.
So many times parents try to connect with kids but do it in adult ways that don’t match up or coordinate with the playful nature of the child. Parents who really connect with kids are the ones who get down on the floor with their kids, mirror how they are sitting, follow their lead in the play, restate what the child is talking about, and simply connect through matching the tone or voice level and demeanor of the child. This kind of connecting is non-threatening and playful and eases parents into deeper synchronicity with their child. The child in turn feels that you are not there to critique, boss, or control but instead you are there to simply look them in the eye, listen to them and be truly present in the play.
If you feel like you have a disconnected relationship with your child check out this book. It was written for families who are going through adoption but the ideas can help all parents make solid relationships with their children.
The Connected Child by Purvis, Cross, and Sunshine
We love it!! One of our NKY coaches Rachel Caswell is in the process of adopting a child and she recommended this book to me. Connect to Rachel email@example.com if you feel like you need the support of someone who understands the process of adopting a child and the fine tune parenting you sometimes need to work through.
Why is it that smallest parts of our day lead to the BIGGEST MELTDOWNS?
Moving from bed to getting dressed
Moving from breakfast to packing up back packs
Moving from car to preschool drop off
Moving from tv off to homework time
Moving from playtime in the backyard to dinner….
Where is your BIGGEST MELTDOWN?
It is very likely that it is happening in the time between events or the TRANSITIONS.
These little moments should be short lived.
Yet, they tend to be the sticking points where kids put up a fight & whittle your time away.
If you find yourself taking too much time correcting behaviors between events in your day, transition issues is probably the culprit.
Here are some quick transition tips to make them positive, teachable moments….
Within in each transition:
-Pause Before you head into the next event.
-Review the previous scene (positively and negatively)
“Even though you were upset last night before bed, you fell asleep and slept all night!”
-Connect to your child (hug, pat on the back, listening ear)
“Can I snuggle a little in your bed with you before you have to get up?”
-Preview (setting up the agenda, expectations and boundaries)
“Okay, we are going to head to breakfast…
I will work on getting it ready and you will work on getting your clothes on and be at the table by the time the food is ready…”
“Remember my car is leaving at 8:30 so if you are not ready for school you will come as you are… clothes or no clothes, breakfast or no breakfast”
-Remind them that you’ve seen them succeed before
“I was so excited to see you come down the stairs yesterday just as I was putting your oatmeal on the table… You are really getting good at this”
-Give Grace for Choice and Space (NO HOVERING)
“You will need a short sleeve shirt and a long pants… you choose something that fits those rules or I can choose for you”
“I wonder if you will meet me at the top of the stairs when you are ready or surprise me at the kitchen table when I least expect it”
“I will head downstairs and not bother you while you make your choice and do your job”
Always give a “you do this______while I do _______” statement to help you avoid too much mommy controlling/lingering/hovering
-Preview the Agenda ahead… first we will___, second____, third___
-Use visuals to lay out the storyline/agenda/rules/checklist of items to do
-Use simple/less language and more clear cue words
First Clothes, Second Meet me at the Table, Third pack up to go
-Avoid Please?, Okay?, or Yes/No questions. They make kids think that all this is optional
-Positives Positives Positives... avoid too much gushy positive just simple I noticed statements
-Offer a well placed HELP or a well placed YES these are special because you are helping or saying yes with something you usually say no to
Can I help you do that today because I know you are running a little behind (this makes your help special and not all the time)
Mom can I have an extra cup of juice this morning… YES I know how fast you were running around to get ready so quickly
-Add fun and excitement to the transition:
music on the radio in the kitchen as we clean up our plates
racing to the top of the stairs like bunny rabbits
counting off like a rocket ship as you buckle them into their seat belts and head on your way
WOW! That’s a lot of stuff to jam pack into a tiny little transition time!
So just try one new thing from this list of ideas. Add it in consistently before adding in another idea.
Soon your transitions will run much more smoothly and you will avoid wasting all that time coaxing them from one event to the next.
You probably have certain phrases that roll off your tongue on a daily basis. In fact, your children could probably tell us what you are going to say even before it comes out of your mouth. Think about your key phrases and post them around your house. They will give you a visual reminder of your system and phrases for positive behavior support and the visual cues might help the children to remember to make the good choice.
Here are a few of the Key Phrases that the Mattson kids have heard over and over again…
Me first goes last
(they know this means if you scramble to get the biggest piece of pizza you will get the smallest piece 🙂
Nice gets Nice and Nasty gets nothing
(Notice this doesn’t say Nice gets Nice and Nasty gets Nasty. When they make the good choice they will get to participate in good times and get the nice attention of mommy. When they make a nasty choice, they will not get my emotions, or my drama and they definitely won’t get any nice treats.)
Make a good choice
(I used to say this even to my older students as they transitioned back into their regular classroom. It was my standard phrase, and they came to expect it and of course they had their standard phrase back to me… The long drawn out… “We will Mrs. Mattson”. These were big kiddos with some heavy duty problems, but they seemed to take comfort in this back and forth between us. They would count on me to say it (however annoying it may be to them 😉 and it made me feel like I had one final ounce of influence on them as they headed out to the real world beyond my small resource room.)
This just gives them a second chance at making the good choice… Would you like to say that again in a nicer tone (REWIND).
Take a break
This just means get it together so you can come back and “join the party”
When in doubt… choose kind…(This is from the book Wonder by RJ Palcio)
This is a new one that has entered our world over the last year because my kids and I read this book. It is a simple reminder that you are in charge of your choices and your outcomes will be so much easier for everyone if you simply choose the thing that is kind.
Although dinner time at our house may not always run smoothly, it serves as the number one factor that ensures our family’s success.
Studies show that children who sit down with their family regularly ( for breakfast, lunch, or dinner) are more likely to do well in school, attain their goals, and succeed socially. This is because the family meal time provides routine, consistency and connection. The rules and expectations of family life are practiced at this table. Sharing and caring about each others’ lives takes place here, and it’s also a place to practice socially correct behaviors while trying new things in the company of those who love you no matter what.
If we have meals together regularly, we have better odds at having children who succeed. Even if the only time we can connect is during a late night snack or over cereal and milk before the bus comes, make it count, sit down with your kids and pause a bit.
The world is telling us that sports ,activities, and work matter , but I think we know what really matters.
Making connections with our kids THAT’S what matters most.
Helping them connect the dots of their world is what these connections can do and what better place to do this than around your dinner table. Make mealtimes matter ,carve out moments around the table breaking bread and uniting as a family. If you do this regularly you will see your family BLOOM.
If you agree that meal time matters, or if you simply want to find out more about what research says regarding regular family meals, check out one of my favorite reads:
The Surprising Power of Family Meals by Miriam Weinstein
We expect our kids to be big kids yet we end up doing everything for them.
By letting your kids have more chances to do things for themselves and do these things with success we can hand over more power and control to them which is all they really want.
Simple things like carrying their own dish to clear the table, holding their own backpack into school, or making their own bed can be first steps to independence for them and freedom for you.
Doing these things on their own without expecting them to be perfect at them allows them to feel like they are contributing and growing in self help skills.
It’s the low expectations on performance that is key for parents to wrap their head around. We cannot expect our kids to know how to do these things well on the first try. So give them baby steps to success and repetition with the practice so they feel repeated success before you send them on to the next level of expectation.
For example: Make your bed can start out by fluffing your pillow and lining them up. Then once they master this and do it automatically without a cue, add in one more step like, pulling up your first layer or sheet. Teach them next how to pull it up while flattening out and let them practice these first two steps for a while before mastering the next steps of making the bed. Always add in one new skill at a time while layering the mastered skills on top of each other. What I mean by this is if they have mastered how to flatten out the sheet then when they get to the point where they can pull up two or three layers they will have also mastered how to flatten out each of those layers.
These little achievements build their confidence and allow for the control they are searching for. They call for mini moments of praise and the only reward needed is the feeling of accomplishment and contribution to the family system.
It’s a win win situation… We do less. They do more… and everyone is a little happier.
Your number one house rule should be “We are Safe”. This is the one way to make sure that no one gets hurt or humiliated. This means that adults will not hurt or humiliate a child and children will follow suit. It also means that they will make choices that are safe.
Of course being safe means being in control of our bodies, our words, and our choices. Parents get to be the guardians of what is safe and unsafe and they have to stick to this number one rule as they practice a zero tolerance approach to dangerous play, unsafe decisions or harmful behavior.
Think about the things around your house and the routines in your daily schedule as you decide upon safety standards that will support this number one rule.
Use key words to show you mean what you say…” Danger!” is a great quick phrase that can let even the littlest child know that they are nearing an unsafe zone. Change the tone of your voice when you say this phrase so they can tell you mean it. Get down on their level and point to the danger item as you redirect them to another safer choice. Give them an alternate behavior to take the place of the dangerous choice.
Here is an example of what you might say…”No jumping on the couch. Danger! We can sit or lay on the couch, but we cannot jump on the couch. If we want to jump we can jump on the pile of pillows on the floor. ” Here is how we could say this same statement to an even younger child in a more clear and succinct way, “Danger! No Jump on Couch. No No. We can sit. We can lay. But no Jump. Jump on Pillows. Yes Yes. “
Practice makes perfect, so you might have to demo or role play how to play and be safe. Tell them the story of what could happen if they were unsafe. Talk to your child outside of the moment about these things because having an in depth conversation in the heat of the activity will most likely be unsuccessful.
Hurting: with words and tone, hitting, pinching, biting …
Fussing: screaming, yelling, talking back, whining, tantrums…
Naming these STOP behaviors is the first step.
No Hurting and No Fussing are the only rules you really need.
Now that we know what we are dealing with, lets get to work on eliminating these poor choices.
He only BITES when he is tired.
She is so sweet but sometimes she SLAPS her sister when she doesn’t feel like sharing her toys.
She’s two so she SCREAMS and YELLS to get her way.
He WHINES all through dinner only when I make things he doesn’t want to eat.
… After we name the behavior the next step in getting rid of it is to get rid of our excuses.
There is NO excuse for nasty.
Children as young as three can think things through using the statements… “If … Then…” This is called the age of reason where they can judge what might happen next if they choose certain behaviors. This means at this early age, we can already guide our children to take on the job of regulating their behavior. Having clear rules and expectations helps us help them make good choices. Here is summary of how you might start to incorporate your rules and expectations into your family life.
LET CHILDREN KNOW WHAT IS EXPECTED
First, State the positive expectations….
When designing your house rules, make sure to consistently state the positive things you want or expect. Here are a few examples of what you might expect. Only choose three (at the most) that work for your family and make sure they are general.
Be Nice Be Helpful Be Honest Be Gentle Be in Control
Then, Get specific. Start to think about what each positive expectation covers, and make sure your children understand that each broad expectation has specific parts to it. Children under 7 need to see these specifics visually in order to understand them, so showing them pictures of good choices is a great idea.
Being Nice = being nice with your body, your words, and your actions
Being Helpful = helping your family and friends, your home, and yourself (by doing your best)
Being in Control= controlling your body and actions, your words, and your emotions
Finally, Be on the lookout for good choices. Tell them you noticed when they made a good choice, and reinforce the behavior with your attention to it. For example state, “I noticed how you were in control of your body when we waited in line at the store. You probably wanted to touch the candybars but you didn’t and that was a good choice.”
LET CHILDREN KNOW WHAT IS NOT ALLOWED
“Zero in” on Zero Tolerance Behaviors
No Fussing No Fighting No Hurting No Whining No Lying
Choose a few items from this list or your own ideas that make sense in your home. These should be broad enough to cover a lot of ground. Again, visually showing children under age 7 examples of these negative behaviors is a good idea so that we can help them better understand what we are talking about. For example:
No Fussing means no whining, no screaming, and no wailing
GIVE YOUR CHILD TOOLS TO HELP THEM REGULATE BEHAVIOR
Give them a chance to rewind and do it over again without the bad choices. Parent may have to give them examples of how they could have done things differently like: Say that again in a nice way, Show me how to play nice with your sister, Say nothing instead of saying something nasty.
Allow them a chance to take a break. When they are unable to rewind on the spot and give you an alternative to the bad choice, allow them a chance to take a break away from the group and return on their own when they are ready to be nice. This break is not a negative consequence but just a chance to regroup. They may take it a multitude of different ways and whatever works to get them to regroup is an okay choice for a break. The goal is the regrouping not the actual break. So help your child decide what is going to work and use it.
Remind them that… Nice gets nice and Nasty gets nothing
Come up with a list of the things that are important to your child and take these things away for a designated time period if they do not get their behavior on track after rewinding or taking a break: tv, computers, favorite toys, snacks, dessert for the day. Make sure what you take away is something meaningful, so that they weigh the consequences of their actions. If you tell them they will lose something, then you HAVE to be willing to follow through.
If we set them up with these boundaries and tools, the child should begin to regulate their behavior without us doing it for them.
Having rules and system for how they work will give the child the boundaries and expectations they need to feel secure and safe.
Having Tools and a system for how they work will give the child the chance to be in charge of their behavior.
The child gets the chance to succeed on his own!
The child gets the chance to stay and play.
The child gets the chance to have special things later in his day.
Thumbs up to parents who use rules and boundaries to help their child bloom and grow!
Rules for your city
Rules for your church
Rules for your library
Rules for a classroom
Rules for a school
Rules for eating
Rules for traveling in a car
Rules for riding a bike
The list of rules in our world could go on and on, but the rule of thumb is that every part of our day runs smoothly when there are expectations set up in advance and when everyone knows what is going on.
What if a library did not set up rules to govern how we borrow and return books? What if once we get food was on the table there were no rules that labeled how and where you were suppose to eat it? What if when driving in our car we did not clearly know the rules of the road? There could be utter chaos, no one would feel safe and there would be no order.
The same chaos and mess could end up taking over your home if you do not begin to take a step in the right direction and devise a list of your house rules…
If using the word rules bothers you then simply call them systems, expectations, boundaries or your house motto.
Start with what you expect. These should be the three basic over arching goals for behavior such as: be nice, be a good listener, and be honest. You should then detail what this does and doesn’t look like. Next you should identify a system as to how these rules will be followed and how mom’s and dad’s responses will try to increase positive behavior and decrease negative behavior.
Give your child a clear list of zero tolerance behaviors including basic statements that cover a lot of territory…
There will be no: hurting, fussing, or fighting
Then give them tools to work through the inevitable mess ups… 1. Allow them to rewind when they feel like they want to retell something in a nicer way, or when they want to redo an action or word that came our of their mouth. 2. Tell them that taking a break and coming back ready to make good choices is what adults do all the time when they say things like… “I will be taking a quick walk and then I will be right back to talk this through”. Let them know it is a possible way to help them get their behavior back on track. 3. Alternative ways to solve the problem. If you are fighting over homework, allow the child to decide where they will do their homework… Inside the play tent in the basement or at their desk in their room.
By giving them tools for success that could help them turn their behavior around, you are giving them a chance to redo the behavior and learn from it. They will begin to repeat the positive behaviors and omit the negative behaviors once they know the systems, consequences, expectations,and rewards of following through on your house rules.